Whisky Tours & Whisky Tatings in Glasgow and Edinburgh
Join us on a walking tour through Glasgow and Edinburgh! Enjoy the best whisky each city has to offer in one of our guided whisky tours and whisky tastings.
Renting a Camper Van in Scotland
We arrived in Scotland! After having a little bit of an issue at the airport we flew overnight and made it to Glasgow. Soon after arrival we hit the ground running and had our first taste of Scotch.
Sam at Once Upon a Whisky Tour proved to be a fantastic guide and we learned so much about whisky, its history, and general history of Glasgow and Scotland.
The next morning we walked around Glasgow before picking up our camper van from Rockin Vans. We then drove to Edinburgh to camp at the Ediburgh Festival Camping spot.
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Glasgow and Scottish Passions
Check your local public television station for this Rick Steves’ Europe episode or watch it on Glasgow, once an industrial powerhouse, offers a fun look at Scotland's vibrantly gritty urban side — full of edgy street art, trendy dining, and the striking architecture of Charles Rennie Mackintosh. Leaving town, we'll tap into Scottish passions as we tour historic Stirling Castle and nearby battlefields, sample a dram at the land's most beloved distilleries on the Speyside Whisky Trail, watch a sheepdog demonstration, and struggle to lift the Manhood Stone at a Highland Games.
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Get to know: Edinburgh
Get to know the vibrant city of Edinburgh, from street performance at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe to the finest whisky around.
Find out how to get around, save money and see all the best attractions. Book a Hostel in Edinburgh today: Visiting the Scottish capital .
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VLOG 100!! GLASGOW TO ROTHES + SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS :: UK ROAD TRIP SCOTLAND DAY 3!
AHH! Vlog 100!! I had planned making the 100th blog a bit different but hey -- can't get much better than the Scottish Highlands! We left Glasgow and drove up the west coast of Scotland to Inverness to see Urquhart Castle... but it didn't go quite as planned. Then we went to The Station Hotel in Rothes which saved the entire day!! If you ever find yourself in Rothes, Scotland make sure to grab a drink or food at The Station Hotel!!
ALSO, we hit 900 loves!! I am beyond grateful for each one of you, thank you for your support! xx
ALSO ALSO, I edited that beginning so much it began to blur in my mind and I have no idea if the music is synced properly or not because it seems to change every time I watch it ????
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Rosslyn Chapel and Stirling Castle One Day Tour from Edinburgh
Click here to book now:
In Quest of the Holy Grail
One day tour
Take a trip through the history on Scotland on this fascinating tour. See the iconic Forth Rail Bridge and visit Dunfermline, once the Capital of Scotland. Visit mighty Stirling Castle and view Bannockburn battlefield before making the short drive to mysterious Rosslyn Chapel.
Price range: £33 - £45
Forth Bridges - marvel at the engineering feat of the Forth Rail Bridge and the sweeping lines of the Queensferry Crossing
Dunfermline Abbey - explore the final resting place of King Robert the Bruce
Stirling Castle - visit the magnificent castle to see the Royal apartments and admire the panoramic views
Bannockburn - learn the story behind Scotland’s battle for independence
Roslin Glen - take a stroll through this atmospheric wooded gorge
Rosslyn Chapel - discover the elaborate stone carvings and mysterious tales
Movie locations - Braveheart, The Da Vinci Code & Outlaw King
For more information email: info@scottishtours.co.uk
1950s Glasgow, Trams, Street Scenes, Football and Athletics at Hampden Park
EXT DAY SCOTLAND, Glasgow. Trams, busses, cars going down busy cobbled street. HA Pavements full of people, businessmen in suits and ties. HA Coronation trams and traffic on street, tramlines visible. Crowd of men wearing grey outside building, factory. Men leaving work. Industrial. HA Parade in Glasgow stadium, Hampden Park. WS Huge crowd in streets, old British city. Like a Lowry painting. HA three people running round track in stadium, race, sprint. Olympic Games, Commonwealth Games. Large circle of women in blue dresses dancing in a circle on the middle of the pitch. Half-time show, celebration. Royal guards marching round stadium. WS could be football match from afar. EXT NIGHT. Red neon sign, ‘Grants Stand Fact Scotch Whisky’. Sign flashes in tartan colours. Scottish, Scotland. More neon signs, ‘Ross S and a glass of milk’, ‘Greens Playhouse’.
From the Kinolibrary archive film collections. To order the clip clean and hi-res or to find out more visit Clip ref KLR1280.
Price of whisky to rise by 20% experts predict
(26 Dec 2019) LEAD IN:
Despite sales over Christmas, a 25 percent tariff on Scotch whisky by the US is expected to have a far ranging impact on Scottish distilleries.
Jobs could be threatened and smaller businesses forced to put their plans to expand into the world's largest market on hold.
STORY-LINE:
It's been a favoured tipple in the US since settlers began distilling it in the 18th century. And for many of the country's whisky connoisseurs a peaty Scottish single malt remains the most prized bottle of them all.
Sam Shackleton, a guide with Once Upon Time Whisky tours, says many of his clients are tourists from the United States who are interested in learning about the intricacies of making Scotch and how to tell a single malt from a blend.
He says: I would say the majority are normally from America and again it's that sort of interest behind whisky in Scotland. A lot of them are sort of tracing back roots. And they think well if I am going to Scotland anyway I've got to drink whisky as well.
For Scottish distilleries the US is a lucrative market, accounting for 10.7 per cent of global volumes of whisky exports. Access to the US market provides an opportunity to drastically expand sales, which will generate more income and create jobs.
Therefore news that the US would impose a 25 percent tariff on Scotch and other European Union luxury products, was a blow for Scottish distilleries.
The move was especially difficult for smaller distilleries, which due to the smaller number of bottles they produce, already have to charge a premium price for their whiskies.
Analysis by the Scotch Whisky Association (SWA), found that exports to the US in 2018 were worth 1.3 billion US dollars. Single malt whiskies, those which are distilled at one distillery, represented a third of those exports.
Shackleton says there is a large demand for lesser known brands of single malt among US tourists.
We want people to be trying stuff that's not just generic. We want them to be trying other stuff that you might not see and that's one of the things that I think the tariffs are probably going to impact quite a bit on. And also you might see those smaller distilleries if they found a big market in America and then they're unable to meet that market because of that tariff, you might see those distilleries disappear and that's always a sad thing.
Scotch whisky producers are concerned that the industry, which employs about 11,000 people in Scotland, is about to take a substantial knock.
The Glasgow Distillery, which opened its doors in 2014, had been planning to enter the US market in 2019 but the tariffs put those plans on ice, says CEO Liam Hughes.
According to Hughes exporting to the US is already a major investment as bottling and labelling requirements are different to those in the UK. Staff and distributors have to travel between the two countries for training, he says.
In a cruel twist of fate at a big international buying conference at Glen Eagles we had agreed in principle to go into 23 states and 200 stores across those states with a large retailer in the US and then 12 hours later we woke up to a 25 per cent tariff on single malt whisky. So, that has put a huge cloud over our discussions and our plans to launch in the US.
Hughes says the the price of single malt will likely have to go up and that will affect US consumers. It is particularly true for smaller distilleries with tighter margins.
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The 2 whisky distilleries in Scotland that are a blast to visit ????
Making whisky (or whiskey if you are not from Scotland) is no easy feat! Hundreds of accumulative years go into making even your simplest, run of the mill the bottle of blended whiskey. Let alone the single malt whiskies that are aged for 12, 18, 20 or even 40 years! ????
We had a blast at our two, very first whisky distillery tours and we’d visit exactly the same ones given the chance of going back in time ????
Let us know what’s your favourite moment from the video…. for us, the Germans dancing is very close to the top! ????
???? Glengoyne distillery - Golden Model Tour
???? Highland Park distillery - Magnus Eunson Tour
???? Popping in at Talisker Bay Distillery
???? Checking out the doors at Glenmorangie Distillery
Our newfound appreciation for whisky lies in the time it takes to create it. Consider the time it takes to grow the trees to make the oak or sherry barrels. Then, some distilleries use peat that’s developed in the soil for 1000s of years. The barley must grow and then be harvested. Once the liquid is distilled, it’s kept in the barrels to age until fully matured based on the distilleries needs and the master distiller’s taste.
#whisky #scotland #malt
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LifeViewers is a project set up by two young adults (Oskar & Veronika) who want to reach their full potential & diversify their lives. We seek out various life experiences and learn how to view them from a multitude of angles. Life doesn’t have to be black or white. It can be a joyful and colourful adventure – it can be anything you want it to be (at least that’s what we believe in).
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Scottish Food and Edinburgh city tour in Scotland
Join us for a Scottish food and Edinburgh city tour on foot with our buddy Rob of Stop Having a Boring Life ( as we eat our way around town with Eat walk Edinburgh. Some of the top highlights included eating Haggis, sampling Scottish fudge and Scottish tablet, whisky tastings and Scandinavian Scottish fusion food before washing it all down with a porter beer on the Royal Mile.
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Scottish Food and Edinburgh city tour in Scotland Travel Food Video Transcript:
There is buddy Rob again. Good morning. So it is our second day in Edinburgh and we are starting things off with more food.
Because if there is one thing we're good at it is eating. But we're doing a little bit of walking to get there so it is the perfect compliment this morning. We can't wait to get started.
So Rob what is the tour about today? The tour is basically about cruising through Edinburgh, seeing some nice sights and trying some classic foods. Alright, let's do that. Maybe there is Haggis on the menu.
Haggis!
The first stop the Itchycoo. Let's go in.
Okay, so the first stop of the tour is at the Itchy Coo and we are going to be having some Haggis for breakfast. Are you ready Sam? And starting off with a Virgin Mary. Decided not to make it bloody because it is like ten AM. A bit early to drink. Oh, that is very good. Okay, now let's try the Haggis down here. And it is on looks like it is on a little cracker which is really cool.
So we had Haggis at the first stop and you boys actually ate all of it.
So they gave us little earpieces so we can hear our guide through the traffic and even if we trail behind a little bit. But I feel like we're channeling some serious FBI vibes down the Royal Mile.
So we've made it to our second stop today. Cranachan & Crowdie. Let's try some of these goodies. Yes, so we're starting off with some venison here. With some Ooft! sauce.
Okay, so I'm going for the orkney smoked cheddar. We're going to dip it in chocolate and this chocolate has whisky so. Oh my. I don't think I've ever had chocolate with whisky before.
So that was Cranachan and Crowdie and they have food, drink and gifts from over three hundred suppliers in Scotland. So if you want to get an authentic gift for a friend or family this is a really cool place.
Right now we are heading inside the Fudge House for a little something sweet. Let's do this. And fudge is one of my favorite foods. Also we're going to learn about tablet I think. How much do you like fudge?
So being the fudge fanatic that I am I am very excited to try this. This if you look down here. This is the Scottish Highland cream. So this is one of the most traditional ones you can try. I'll just pop that in my mouth here.
So as part of the tour we get to choose one bar to take with us and eat along the way. And they have over twenty varieties of fudge here so we're struggling.
So we've been having sweet and savory foods. Now it is time to enjoy some drinks.
So this is your little souvenir. Proud of my little souvenir from Campbeltown Loch Scotch Whisky.
And if we haven't been feasting enough it is time for lunch. We're having Scandinavian Scottish fusion Smorgasbord. Alright, this is Hemma. Are you ready for Scandinavian Scottish. I'm ready.
So how was that meal? The meal was fantastic. My favorite things were actually the herring and beetroot salad and that is saying a lot because there were two other salmon dishes that I really liked.
Now the only problem is we thought that was the last stop so we ate a lot and now we're stuffed and apparently there is still beer and cheese ahead.
And you're trying the Ghost Town and this is from the northwest. So it is a porter and let's give it a shot. And apparently it has a bit of a chili infusion so. Let's see if you can taste that.
I do taste a slight bit of that. It is a porter so it is kind of like a Guinness.
So that is wrap from the Edinburgh eat and walk tour. If you're a foodie and you ever find yourself in the city we highly recommend it. Absolutely.
This is part of our Travel in Scotland video series showcasing Scottish food, Scottish culture and Scottish cuisine.
Music in this video courtesy of Audio Network
Let's Eat Haggis in Glasgow, Scotland! (2018)
Let's Eat Haggis in Glasgow, Scotland!
Can You Comprehend 'Naughty' Rich? (Rich in flavor that is...)
Welcome to Scotland! It's my first time here and I'm enjoying catching up with dear friends.
Haggis! I'll try 'anything' once. It was very delicious.
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Wit's Yer Dram - Glasgow's Whisky Festival - 2018
A short video of Chris and the team doing what they do best, drinking whisky and talking to whisky fans at 2018's Glasgow Whisky Festival at Hampden.
...turn on the subtitles... it helps.
Scotland UK
Scotland has so much History and mystery. From the main cities in the south to the misty mountains and Lochs of the north.
Once past the border with England, you can instantly feel the history and pride the people have for their country. The Flag of Scotland, also known as St Andrew's Cross is everywhere, whereas the Union Jack is nowhere to be seen.
Initially, Scotland is grassy rolling hills with not many trees but once you arrive in Edinburgh, you can instantly sense the the importance and contemporary confidence of this city. It has charm, history and a really cool vibe. The most striking feature on entering the city centre, apart form all the churches and cathedrals is Edinburgh Castle which looms over the city. Edinburgh Castle is home to Scotland's Crown Jewels and used in the coronation of Scottish rulers. You can walk up to the castle via the Royal Mile Rd which has heaps of shops and pubs selling, among other things, many types of Scotch whisky of course. On busy days the street is abuzz with buskers and street performers which is entertaining enough in itself. You then continue up the hill and through the stadium of the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo which is held every August as part of the Edinburgh festival.
The next most striking feature is Salisbury Crags and Arthur's seat, which is a distincting cluster of mountains within Holyrood park about 1 kilometre from the city centre. A good way to get a 360 view of the city is to go for a walk up Calton hill. It has many monuments, observatories, and great lookouts with amazing views of the city below.
The next day we head through Glasgow and on to the city of Stirling. Here we visit the battle of Bannockburn visitor centre which celebrates Scottish victory by King of Scots Robert the Bruce against the army of King Edward II of England in the First War of Scottish Independence.
We stay the night at Inverary on Loch Fyne. A small fishing town and ancestral home of the Duke of Argyll. The next day we are in Oban a fishing and resort town.
From Oban we drive to Glencoe via the A82 which is one of the most spectacular drives in the UK. The road winds through isolated mountain ranges and snow capped peaks along with spectacular rock formations and waterfalls. It's definitely worth the drive.
Music: Seaside by Lyvo is licensed under a Creative Commons Licence.
Price of whisky to rise by 20% experts predict
(26 Dec 2019) LEAD IN:
Despite sales over Christmas, a 25 percent tariff on Scotch whisky by the US is expected to have a far ranging impact on Scottish distilleries.
Jobs could be threatened and smaller businesses forced to put their plans to expand into the world's largest market on hold.
STORY-LINE:
It's been a favoured tipple in the US since settlers began distilling it in the 18th century. And for many of the country's whisky connoisseurs a peaty Scottish single malt remains the most prized bottle of them all.
Sam Shackleton, a guide with Once Upon Time Whisky tours, says many of his clients are tourists from the United States who are interested in learning about the intricacies of making Scotch and how to tell a single malt from a blend.
He says: I would say the majority are normally from America and again it's that sort of interest behind whisky in Scotland. A lot of them are sort of tracing back roots. And they think well if I am going to Scotland anyway I've got to drink whisky as well.
For Scottish distilleries the US is a lucrative market, accounting for 10.7 per cent of global volumes of whisky exports. Access to the US market provides an opportunity to drastically expand sales, which will generate more income and create jobs.
Therefore news that the US would impose a 25 percent tariff on Scotch and other European Union luxury products, was a blow for Scottish distilleries.
The move was especially difficult for smaller distilleries, which due to the smaller number of bottles they produce, already have to charge a premium price for their whiskies.
Analysis by the Scotch Whisky Association (SWA), found that exports to the US in 2018 were worth 1.3 billion US dollars. Single malt whiskies, those which are distilled at one distillery, represented a third of those exports.
Shackleton says there is a large demand for lesser known brands of single malt among US tourists.
We want people to be trying stuff that's not just generic. We want them to be trying other stuff that you might not see and that's one of the things that I think the tariffs are probably going to impact quite a bit on. And also you might see those smaller distilleries if they found a big market in America and then they're unable to meet that market because of that tariff, you might see those distilleries disappear and that's always a sad thing.
Scotch whisky producers are concerned that the industry, which employs about 11,000 people in Scotland, is about to take a substantial knock.
The Glasgow Distillery, which opened its doors in 2014, had been planning to enter the US market in 2019 but the tariffs put those plans on ice, says CEO Liam Hughes.
According to Hughes exporting to the US is already a major investment as bottling and labelling requirements are different to those in the UK. Staff and distributors have to travel between the two countries for training, he says.
In a cruel twist of fate at a big international buying conference at Glen Eagles we had agreed in principle to go into 23 states and 200 stores across those states with a large retailer in the US and then 12 hours later we woke up to a 25 per cent tariff on single malt whisky. So, that has put a huge cloud over our discussions and our plans to launch in the US.
Hughes says the the price of single malt will likely have to go up and that will affect US consumers. It is particularly true for smaller distilleries with tighter margins.
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Queen Lauds Scottish Exhibition (1949)
Full title reads: Glasgow. Queen Lauds Scottish Exhibition.
Kelvin Hall, Glasgow, Scotland.
LV Kelvin Hall bedecked with flags. SV Sign - 'Scottish Industries Exhibition'.
MV Towards and follow pan Queen Elizabeth (later Queen Mother) and Lord Provost of Glasgow, Mr Victor Warren. SV Queen walks over to greet dignitaries. MV Crowds cheering. CU Queen waving to crowd. LV Queen and Princess Margaret entering arena. MV Side view ditto. SV The Queen, Princess Margaret taking seats. Sir S Bilsland standing by them. CU Princess Margaret. MV The Queen speaking. 'Scotland can be proud of her industries and this is indeed a proud way of showing them to the world and now I wish every success to the Scottish Industries Exhibition of 1949 and have great pleasure in declaring it open.' (Applause).
MV Fountain. LV elevated exhibition. MV Display of overlocking sewing machines. Six machines working at once on embroidery. SV Girl visitor buying 'Isle of Bute' plaid. SV Women looking at knitwear pan down to knitwear. MV Angle shot of whisky revolving on turntable. MV Queen escorted by Lord Provost and Sir S Bilsland pan to Princess Margaret. MV Queen walking over to carpet. MV Back shot royal party looking at 'Rinitarias' carpet pan up carpet. MV Elevated Sir S Bilsland, Queen, Princess Margaret walking along exhibition hall to applause of onlookers. CU Queen saying goodbye.
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Scotland with Julia Reams-Giersch | Rick Steves Travel Talks
In this travel talk, Rick Steves' Europe travel expert Julia Reams-Giersch describes Scotland's top stops — from the cities of Edinburgh and Glasgow, to the nearby sights of Stirling and St. Andrews, to the rugged Highlands near Inverness and the lovely islands near Oban and the west coast — and explains practical travel skills, including pointers on sleeping, eating, and transportation.
Planning a trip to Scotland? You’ll find lots of free travel information at
Recorded on March 3, 2018 • Rick Steves' Europe Travel Center
Written and Presented by Julia Reams-Giersch
Produced by Cameron Hewitt
Filmed and Edited by Zen Wolfang
Photography by Julia Reams-Giersch, Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli, Cameron Hewitt, and others
Graphics by Heather Locke and Rhonda Pelikan
© 2018 Rick Steves' Europe, Inc.
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how to drink whiskey like a sir
travel lodges in scotland |travel scotland |bbc scotland travel |travel to scotland |best
Top ten things to see in Scotland
1. Loch Ness and the Great Glen
A geological rift split the land from coast to coast, once dividing Scotland in two. Glaciers deepened the trench and the
result today is a long glen of steep-sided, wooded mountains and dark, mysterious lochs. Castles and forts abound,
bearing witness to the Great Glen's strategic importance and enhancing its dramatic grandeur with intrigue and nostalgia.
And, of course, there's the legendary Loch Ness monster, elusive but irrepressible, and still attracting scientific
interest -- keep that camera to hand.
2. Edinburgh Castle
Dominating the city's skyline as it has done for over 800 years, this castle is a national icon and, deservedly, the
country's most popular visitor attraction. Din Eidyn, the stronghold of Eidyn, from which Edinburgh takes its name,
was the vital possession in Scotland's wars. Varying roles as royal palace, barracks, prison and parliament have all
helped shape this castle, home to the Scottish crown jewels and the fabled Stone of Destiny.
3. Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum
Scotland's most visited collection is more popular than ever, since a 27.9 million pound refurbishment allowed even more
of its fascinating collection of art and artifacts to be seen. Some 8,000 works of major international significance are
displayed over three floors of gallery space. The diverse collection takes in world-wide ancient cultures, gives a
comprehensive view of European and Scottish art across the centuries, and provides insights into 20th-century Glasgow
life. Contrasting displays in open spaces demonstrate Kelvingrove's quirky sense of fun
4. Isle of Skye
The product of violent geographical upheavals, the misty isle is justly famed for its towering, ragged mountains
wild coastline. Add to these a colourful patchwork of crofts (farms), waterfalls, an exceptional whisky, a castle linked
to the fairy world and the historical romance of Bonnie Prince Charlie, and you find on Skye all the ingredients that
best symbolize the Highlands.
5. Glasgow Science Centre
This £75-million millennium project is a pure delight. The heart of the centre is the Science Mall, a glass-sided silver
crescent with three floors of hands-on exhibits, demonstrations and special-effect theatres. Adjacent to this is the
world's only revolving tower and an IMAX cinema projecting gigantic 3D films.
6. The Cairngorms
The highest mountain massif in the British Isles comprises a magnificent range of peaks, wild lochs and ancient forests,
as well as bird sanctuaries, nature reserves and sports amenities. It is a region of exceptional scenery and habitats
that have not been divided by roads. Activities take place on its fringe, but the heartland remains open only to those
who travel by foot or on skis. It is this relative isolation that makes it so appealing both for the wildlife that
inhabits the region and for the people who thrive on the testing terrain.
7.The Falkirk Wheel
An engineering design wonder, this huge structure was built to connect the
Union and Forth and Clyde Canals for east to west coast access for boats. The technical genius makes this a fascinating
sight, and it's a great day out for the whole family, adults and children alike.
8.Edinburgh Zoo
It has been open since 1913, and it's still one of the top Scottish attractions. Edinburgh Zoo gives you the opportunity
to meet over 1,000 animals, and is the most exciting wildlife attraction in Scotland.
Of all the things to see and do in Scotland, this is one of them. The highlight is the daily Penguin Parade.
9. Culzean Castle
Formerly a rather dull fortified tower house, Culzean (pronounced Cullane) was transformed by the architect Robert Adam
into a mansion of sumptuous proportions and elegance. The work began in 1777 and lasted almost 20 years, the Kennedy
family sparking little expense in the decoration and craftsmanship of their clifftop home. Culzean -- a masterpiece in a
land full of magnificent castles -- was gifted to the nation and fully restored in the 1970s. Its grounds became Scotland's
first public country park in 1969.
10.Glasgow Cathedral
In Scotland, round about AD550 St Mungo, the first Bishop of the British Kingdom of Strathclyde, founded a religious
community around a small church, in an area that was to become known as Glasgow. The present stone building was built
during the 13th century, on the site where He is believed to have been buried in AD612.
information provided by Readers Digest
for more great information on travel to Scotland go here now:
10 THINGS YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT SCOTTISH PEOPLE
10 THINGS YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT SCOTTISH PEOPLE
Scottish Stories by Shaun
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In today's vlog, I talk about the ways of Scottish people and have a top 10 list as a guide for anyone coming to Scotland.
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WELCOME TO SHAUNVLOG - I'm Shaun and this is my YouTube Vlog channel about my travel adventures. I'm from Edinburgh in Scotland but spend most of my time in Brazil. These are my personal stories and thanks so much for joining my adventures. #SHAUNVLOG
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Vote Britain by Alan Bissett
Vote Britain by Alan Bissett
Performed at the Yes Kirkcaldy talk, St Brycedale Kirk, 27th March 2014. Please consider donating to our Crowd Funding Campaign -
Vote Britain:
People of Scotland, vote with your heart.
Vote with your love for the Queen who nurtured you, cradle to grave,
Who protects you and cares, her most darling subjects, to whom you gave
the glens she adores to roam freely through, the stags her children so dearly enjoy killing.
First into battle, loyal and true. The enemy's scared of you.
That's why we send you over the top with your och-aye-the-noo Mactivish there's been a murrrderrr jings! crivvens! Deepfriedfuckinmarsbar wee wee dram of whisky hoots mon there's a moose loose aboot this smackaddict
Vote, Jock. Vote, Sweaty Sock. Talk properly.
Vote with those notes we scrutinise in our shops.
(might be legal tender but looks dodgy to me)
Vote for the Highland Clearances. Baaaaaaaaaa.
Vote for nuclear submarines in your water.
Vote for the Olympic Games you didn't vote for
(but you'll pay for it, you'll pay for it).
Vote Conservative. Vote Lib Dem. Vote Libservative. Vote Condabour.
Vote with the chip on your shoulder.
Vote Labour. New Labour. Old Labour. Scottish Labour.
(Get back in line, Scottish Labour, HQ in Solihull will issue their commands shortly,
Just keep the vote coming in from up there thanks goodbye,
Subsidy junkie).
Vote for any argument you construct in your defence being 'anti-English'.
Vote for Scots who make their career in Scotland being 'unambitious'.
Vote for enjoying your own culture being soooooooo parochial.
Vote God Save the Queen and that bit about us crushing you all.
Hush. There there.
Vote for Scotland being refered to as a 'region', like, say, Yorkshire? Or East Anglia?
Vote for our voices dominating your media, but in no way telling you what to think.
Take a drink. Go on, son, take a drink.
Vote for oil revenue, which we ensure flows directly from us into you.
Vote for being told you're the only country in the world that could not possibly survive and that without us you'd fall to pieces like children abandoned in the wild, caked in faeces.
Vote Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch and
illegalimmigrantskilledPrincessDiana and
London London London most exciting city in the world darling
(Glasgow is a very violent place, is it not. Do you have art?)
Vote wth your heart. Vote Empire. Vote tradition.
Vote for our proud shared history of
enslavingothernationsandstealingtheirnaturalresources
Bringing Wealth and Prosperity to the World!
being on the right side just once and that's only because it was against yer actual fucking Hitler
Vote for the #ScottishConspiracy at Westminster
(who really runs the show here eh -- Blair, Brown -- got your own in that time, we aren't allowed to vote in Holyrood but there's Archie McPhee pulling wee strings in our parliament when we wouldn't even think about interfering in how you run your own affairs but while we're at it, this referendum eh? A so-called referendum, is it? Have it now, make sure it looks like this)
Vote for very, very, very rich people patronising you.
Vote for Glasgow having the highest knife-crime rate and lowest life expectancy in Europe
due to our generosity. You may thank us at your leisure.
Vote for the absence of your history in our schools.
All Brits together.
Vote for our shock at your ingratitude!
Vote for us saying 'Eh? Eh?' when you open up your porridge mooth.
Vote for bafflement about why you want the England football team to lose.
We always want the Scots to win (except in referenda).
Vote for psychopathic villains with your accent in a soap opera.
Vote for tuition fees and student loans, ensuring that the brightest of your working-class
(since you still insist upon the term, although Our Leaders had it banned)
will one day rise and take their place in this great land.
Vote for us deploying strategic references to Braveheart to dismiss you all.
Vote for Robert Burns being called by Paxman 'sentimental doggerel'.
Vote for The Iron Lady. Such a strong leader, gave this country backbone
(you didn't really want the unions, industries or council homes, just made the place look tatty)
Vote for a deregulated banking class, lionising of the hardworkingwealthgeneratingjobcreatingentrepreneurs
who you will in no way refer to as 'greedy, selfish bastards'. Give them your taxes.
Vote for foreign wars.
Yes, sadly, some of you will die. But you will return to a hero's welcome Jock
the Union Jack, proud symbol of integrity and honour, draped across your coffin
while your mother, dabbing at her eyes, recalls the words she learned in school in Kircudbright
'There is some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.'
Vote with your heart.